To quote Jeremy Clarkson,forbidden videos sex "That's not gone well."

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The BBC Two's Top Gear returned Sunday night in the U.K. (and Monday night in on BBC America in the U.S.) after an 11-month hiatus. Along with a tweaked format, the world's most popular car show came back with a new cast and mildly renovated set.

Although the show features five (including Stig) additional background motoring personalities, the two main hosts are Chris Evans (no, not Captain America-- virtually the opposite) and Matt LeBlanc of Friends fame (and a bona fide car guy, known as one of the faster drivers on the celebrity racing circuit).

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Rather than dither around giving more context, I'll go straight for it: The show wasn't great. To explain why, let's start with Chris Evans.

It pays to rehearse

American audiences won't know this, but Evans is a famous radio personality in Britain and car enthusiast/collector. Based upon his ability to land the lead presenting gig, I'd assume he's fun on radio waves. Though, you wouldn't know it from his debut performance on Top Gear.

He felt far too showy and lacked the warmth, silliness and authenticity of the old TG cast. He had an air about him that felt like he'd already succeeded. Evans didn't feel like he was keen to earn our trust, admiration or affection. Rather, he read like he already had it. And he simply doesn't.

In his first segment, Evans drove the Dodge Viper ACR on the U.S. Navy's Top Gun runway in Arizona. There, he screamed and bellowed like former Top Gear front-runner Jeremy Clarkson. He proved, though, that just because you're making the same noises doesn't mean you're having the same impact. A voice recorder playing a loop of Clarkson's shoutings taped to a mannequin could have felt more authentic -- and would have been more entertaining.

Evans says the Viper ACR is a handful to drive. Rather than tell me why in a fun and insightful way, like any one of the old TG hosts might have, Evans instead simply screams. His canned yell superficially imparts the mania of the car. However, it doesn't dig into why it's scary or whether or not such a scary, wild car is good or bad. Really, he fails to review the car.

Then we have Matt LeBlanc, the man I was most excited to see join the newfangled TG. Not to toot my own horn, but I had a premonition that LeBlanc would make an excellent addition to the show a few weeks before BBC Two announced he was joining the cast. Perhaps my mom was right; maybe I am a bit psychic. I digress.

While I still stand behind my initial sentiment, it's painfully clear he requires skillful writing and directing to tease out his inner genius. Let me explain.

The most glaring realization was that neither Evans nor LeBlanc had ever reviewed a car before.

We already know LeBlanc has strong comedic timing and it quite adept at playing the dim but charming handsome guy. In this way, he was a great replacement for Richard Hammond, who was similarly expert.

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In the driving portion of the Ariel Nomad review in Morocco, LeBlanc proved he's both a dexterous driver and presenter, as he was capable of doing some high-speed desert driving while presenting clearly and concisely. However, it was when he stepped away from the steering wheel that he felt uneasy and amateurish.

I don't know whether it was the writing or a lack of rehearsal time for the standup portions of his films and in-studio time, but his presenting felt wooden and unnatural -- something I've never felt of LeBlanc as an actor. I really do believe that the director is to blame here. Give the man a minute to warm up, for god's sake!

Perhaps the most glaring realization that hit me was the simple recognition that neither Evans nor LeBlanc had ever reviewed a car before. Granted, before 2002, Richard Hammond really hadn't either -- he was just a radio personality who liked cars (sound familiar?). However, he had the writing genius of Clarkson and his writing partner Richard Porter to give him the insightful, funny lines to make up for it. And -- you guessed it -- Evans and LeBlanc didn't have those.

Photocopy of a photocopy

Top Gear Series 23, Episode 1 felt like a photocopy of a photocopy; it looked right, but had none of the crispness of the original.

Clearly, BBC Two thought they could just throw money at the problem. It's like they tried to recreate the Beatles with the members of Coldplay. Sure, if you spend enough money and time, you could probably get close enough to satisfy most people. But it'll never be truly the same; we'll never feel the way you did about the old guys.

Putting the personalities aside for a moment, we have to talk about the reworked format. The biggest change, aside from the large display, was the fact that the "Star in a Reasonably Priced Car" portion of the show now features not one but two stars. This week, Evans hosted Jesse Eisenberg and Gordon Ramsey.

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During this portion, the two were forced to plug one another's projects. Then their car histories were compared -- from first to most exciting car. Since Eisenberg hadn't owned anything but a crappy Honda, he was weirdly asked to choose another, cooler car that he'd been in once to go against Ramsey's million-dollar Ferrari LaFerrari. Why? I am not quite sure.

Then, the two were put head-to-head on the track, which now includes off-road portions ... for some reason. Not surprisingly, the man with the Italian hypercar performed better than the man who rides a bike. This pairing smacked of producers who didn't really think things through.

Also, why two guests? I can only presume that after 33 years on the radio, Evans is capable of asking insightful, amusing questions. This portion -- as well as the lap -- didn't need to change. I think people would have been OK with continuing that part of the show as-is.

Going forward

This first episode of the 23rd series felt like the kind of British car show Top Gear probably should have been all along -- one that would interest me in theory but that would in actuality keep me flipping through channels after about four minutes.

By that I mean it was contrived and soulless and hosted by a couple personalities to whom I felt no draw. Generally, this new version of TG felt so forced. It had the structure of something strong but ultimately lacked the personality to keep me hooked: "Oh, they're racing old 4x4s on the beach with drag queens. That's funny. Wait. No, no it's not. Click."

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Funnily enough, old Top Gear, which itself was a reboot of still-older Top Gear, started off slow. However, it didn't have an insane following to live up to. Plus, they weren't trying to be anything but themselves. They were just three blokes trying to entertainingly review family hatchbacks that happened to evolve into something special.

So am I going to write off new TG altogether? No, I won't. Am I hopeful it will ever succeed in besting the old show? Not really. That said, I don't have high hopes for the former Top Gear hosts' new Amazon show Grand Tour either.

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